Finish the sentence friday! "The hardest choice I had to make..." #ftsf

After a bit of a hiatus, I am now posting again for the Finish the Sentence Friday hop. This week, I am writing about:

"The hardest choice I had to make was..."

Putting my lovely, gorgeous Tuxedo cat to sleep on May 11, 2012. Holmes, aka "Goose"/"SupaGoose"/"Silly Goose", was a very special cat. In July 2006, with only 10 minutes to go until the Dutchess SPCA was closing, I heard a jingling noise that caught my attention among the many cages filled with cats. It was a lovely tuxedo cat, jiggling a toy on the door of his cage from nudging the door so hard. I came over to him and instantly fell in love. He nudged me so hard and it was love at first sight.

Meeting him coincided with me being close to moving out of my parents' house and living on my own. I visited him almost every day for a month until I moved out of my parents house to a room I was renting in a house in Downtown Albany, NY. When we moved in together, he was a little shy and apprehensive at first. But it wasn't long until we got really close.

Me and Goosey hanging out after one of my grad school classes, late September 2006

I moved out of Albany after one semester and transferred to a different graduate school in Valhalla, NY called NY Medical College. I then moved to Long Island for the summer of 2007 to take Organic Chemistry (at a time where I wanted to become an MD instead of a Ph.D.) and ended up meeting my now husband. I moved back home in August 2007 to go back to grad school and spent a lot of time with my Holmesy. He was my snuggle bug - mommy's buddy. Tim (my now hubs) and I moved in together in January 2009, and this was the first time Holmesy had to share his mama with someone else. He was a little shy at first.

Hiding with his sister Cindy Belle on one of his favorite blankets in my closet, January 2009

It wasn't long, however, until he got used to his surroundings and really started to have a blast. He had such an adorable personality and always made everyone's hearts melt whenever they saw him. He was also quite the comedian cat :) very silly (that's how he got the nick name "gooSe" from "Silly goose")

Silly boy trying on my glasses - early 2010, with his favorite blanket that he was cremated with, "Pea Gween"

He started having urinary issues and was diagnosed with calcium oxalate crystals in his bladder. He needed surgery to flush them out. Over the next year and a half, he ended up needing minor surgery and various medications to keep him comfortable, and was on a special diet. Still, it never seemed like "too much". It was never beyond what I thought would be fair to him. But one day in early May 2012, things changed. He started having trouble eating his dry food, in a way I never saw before. I took him to his vet, who was great, and they said that they thought it was just his teeth bothering him. They didn't see any issues.

Still, he had significant issues with eating and it didn't seem to feel right. I knew him so well so I knew something was up. I took him back to the doctor and saw his favorite vet to give him a recheck. When she propped open his mouth to look at his teeth, my heart sank. Like an elevator plummeting from the top of a skyscraper to the bottom floor. When she opened up his mouth, I saw it.

It was a grape sized tumor at the base of his tongue, way in the back of his mouth. It looked so large, throbbing. Like was very uncomfortable. I read that in older cats (he was around 6-7 years old when I adopted him in 2006 and this was 2012), tumors on the tongue like that are not benign. Removal usually meant a feeding tube for a few months because you could never get the whole tumor and it would eventually come back. Chemo was an option.... but only if his heart was good.

And at the moment that the doctor was talking about his tumor, the blood work they did the day before came back. He had end-stage heart failure. Who lives with heart failure and oral sarcoma? Well, this little strong love. I was so amazingly lucky to be able to take him home that Wednesday afternoon and spend 2 more days with him at home, until I made the decision to have him escape his  pain (he had already stopped eating and had a mini stroke the day before) at 5:37 PM on May 11, 2012. 

It was the hardest thing for me to do... my love for him was always everlasting. What would I do without him? I was heartbroken. He was my son.... I always spoke to him and asked him, "Please, Goose, if I get pregnant, please come back in his or her body as part of that baby's spirit". I asked him, Please, Goose. I am ready to be pregnant. I am ready to be a mom.

And as of September 14, 2012, someone a girl with bad endometriosis and a couple chemical pregnancies saw those 2 magical pink lines. I became pregnant with my daughter, and carried my healthy baby girl to term and gave birth to her this past May. I thank Goose every day for being a part of her spirit. I see it in her. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but now he watches us from Heaven. LOVE YOU GOOSE!! <3